Every long term relationship is difficult and requires plenty of work. And there will be valid disagreements in each relationship you are involved in, but there are no valid reasons to fight. Raising your voice, name calling, mean threats, and throwing items will never solve any problems in your relationships. But there are some who do not want to solve problems as much as they want the argument. There are those who genuinely enjoy making others to argue with them. To them the thrill they get from the fight out weights how cruel they are appearing to others. This type of person never really have close friends, relatives, or spouse and many die alone. Others pick a fight in order to get something. They will justify their confrontational ways as the best response for a desired outcome. Many believe that in order to change another’s behavior or gain others respect you need to: Confront it, Fight it out, and Maintain pressure (usually by nagging or punishing the individual). A person who uses this method may get results, but they damage their relationships, sometimes forever. The Bible is very clear on this subject, Christians are to be PEACEMAKERS. “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” (Matthew 5:9) “Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.” (Romans 14:19) “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” (Romans 12:18) Fighters: Confront it. Confronting others is an inadequate means to solving problems. The very concept of confronting is to challenge or threaten someone which is not an attack on the problem, but the person. People just naturally put up their defense if they believe that they are being attacked.
Peacemakers: Express it. Communicate your case or cause to the one it is meant for. Be exact and say what you mean without being mean. Use “I” and “Me” instead of “You” Example: “I am feeling neglected lately.” Instead of “You have been neglecting me.” “You” can be viewed as a personal attack and will hamper your efforts to communicate your cause or case. You can be firm in your words but be positive. (No name calling) Your motivation is to resolve an issue not add to it. “A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” (Proverbs 15:23) “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11) “The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.” (Proverbs 15:2)
Fighters: Fight it out. There is no such thing as a good argument. Yelling, bickering, name calling is nothing short of verbal abuse which can many times lead to physical abuse. You may never strike someone, but you will push, grab, pen down, and shake them. Fighting is always about DISRESPECT. Disrespect does not care about a person’s feelings. Disrespect does not care about a person’s thoughts. Disrespect will attack a person verbally and physically. Fighting is all about CONTROL. You feel you need to control the other person’s thoughts, actions, and beliefs. You feel you need to be in control of the situation. You feel you have lost control of your own life. But fighting is never, never about the other person. The battles, the blows, and all the strife does nothing but damage your relationships.
Peacemakers: Discuss it out. A true discussion is talking with not talking at. You will carefully talk about the issues. It is appropriate to have a goal in mind for the discussion, but you must be open minded to the other person’s feelings and point of view. Listen and try to let them finish their thought. (Allow them to have their say) Respect their opinion and make a real effort to understand them. Be deliberate and purposeful in your words, but do not waste the opportunity with worthless jabs or insults. Control your emotions and if you cannot, stop and start the conversation later when you have them under control. Respect is the main thought in a discussion. You gain respect when you show respect. P.S. Never say, “With all due respect.” Because the next words are never respectful. “The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.” (Proverbs 15:28) “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” (Proverbs 18:13) “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) “The heart of the wise teacheth his mouth, and addeth learning to his lips.” (Proverbs 16:23) Fighters: Maintain Pressure. You know for a fact that your constant, irritating reminders of your issues with another person causes them stress. But you do not care, because you believe that the pressure will cause your desired change or a big blow up. And you are prepared for the blow up. You will also cause a heavy burden on others when you penalize them for not agree with you. All your nagging, harsh words, icy walls, and being difficult is a power play to force your will on another. But, in reality, you will create a negative atmosphere that your relationship may never survive from. You may harass someone in to change, but you will lose their love and respect for you. Yes, they will grow to resent you.
Peacemakers: Live it. You will become a restrained example of the behavior you expect and desire. You will display self-control by being in command of your emotions. You will curb your response when the desired behavior you expect from a person is not performed. You can let it go. People learn more by how you live than they do by you telling them how they ought to live. Allow the conviction of the Holy Spirit to be the pressure for them to change. Allow the pressure of your good works to be the pressure for them to change. Create a positive atmosphere in your relationships which will allow others to feel safe to grow. “In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.” (Proverbs 10:19) “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.” (Proverbs 12:18) “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.” (Proverbs 11:29)
Fighters: Must Win. You must win, so you feel, because you are right. You must win, because people must respect you. You must win, because you need to feel good about yourself. You must win, because you need to take back control. Winning is all about you and not the relationship. You can win the argument, but lose the person.
Peacemakers: Compromise. Power and control is not what you want, you want love. So many things are small and inconsequential, they just do not matter, and therefore you are willing to compromise to avoid unnecessary strife. Arguments never solve anything, but yielding to love can cover so many problems. “He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he.” (Proverbs 16:20) “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.” (Proverbs 29:11) “Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.” (Proverbs 17:28) ARE YOU A FIGHTER OR A PEACEMAKER?
WHY PEOPLE PICK FIGHTS: List provided by the students of Ravenswood Baptist Christian School
Have no life-too much time.
That is how they get attention.
Abused at home verbally and physically.
Split up friends- I want them to be my friend.
Not enough love.
Do not like to be wrong.
Cruel violent person. Jealousy.
They are looking for something.
WHY DO PEOPLE FIGHT?
They are caught up in the moment.
They are people who do not have the tools to properly deal with stress.
They do not have proper problem solving skills.
They have either low self-esteem or high self-esteem, either way it is about them.
They are not happy with their life.
They tend to be a more negative person.
They are highly motivated people who cannot understand why others are not.
They are low motivated people who cannot understand why you are.
They are not flexible people.
They tend to be immature people.
They feel angry or guilty about themselves.
They feel they have lost power or control.
Some people are just cruel. Bible Advise for Healthy Relationships
Forgive and let it go. “The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.” (Proverbs 19:11) “Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” (Proverbs 10:12) “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.” (Proverbs 17:9)
Do not harass, who cares if you are right and the last word does not make you right. “A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.” (Proverbs 19:13) “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Whosoever hideth her hideth the wind, and the ointment of his right hand, which bewrayeth itself.” (Proverbs 27:15-16)
Train yourself in the art of saying nothing. “If thou hast done foolishly in lifting up thyself, or if thou hast thought evil, lay thine hand upon thy mouth.” (Proverbs 30:32) “Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.” (Proverbs 17:28) “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.” (Proverbs 29:11) “A fool’s wrath is presently known: but a prudent man covereth shame.” (Proverbs 12:16)
Confess your wrongs and take action to correct them. “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)
Stimulating conversations instead of consistent self-centered chatter. “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” (Proverbs 27:17)
Do not make promises you cannot or do not intend on keeping. “Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift is like clouds and wind without rain.” (Proverbs 25:14)
Demonstrate your love. “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” (Proverbs 27:5)
Do not look for or start arguments. “He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears.” (Proverbs 26:17)
Listen. “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” (Proverbs 18:13)
Do not over stay your welcome. “Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.” (Proverbs 25:17) Do not ridicule or be disloyal for amusement. “As a mad man who casteth firebrands, arrows, and death, So is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, Am not I in sport?” (Proverbs 26:18-19)
Be willing to accept advice. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” (Proverbs 12:15) “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) “Poverty and shame shall be to him that refuseth instruction: but he that regardeth reproof shall be honoured.” (Proverbs 13:18)
Be friendly. “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24) “Thine own friend, and thy father’s friend, forsake not; neither go into thy brother’s house in the day of thy calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off.” (Proverbs 27:10)
Exercise caution in what you say. “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.” (Proverbs 11:29) “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.” (Proverbs 12:18) “A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul.” (Proverbs 18:7) “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” (Proverbs 21:23)
A calm personality. “A fool’s wrath is presently known: but a prudent man covereth shame.” (Proverbs 12:16) “He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated.” (Proverbs 14:17) “He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.” (Proverbs 14:29) “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) “A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.” (Proverbs 15:18)
More encouragement and less criticism. “Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm.” (Proverbs 3:30) “Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.” (Proverbs 12:25)
Be Fair-minded. “These things also belong to the wise. It is not good to have respect of persons in judgment.” (Proverbs 24:23) “A just weight and balance are the LORD’S: all the weights of the bag are his work.” (Proverbs 16:11) “He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination to the LORD.” (Proverbs 17:15) “A false balance is abomination to the LORD: but a just weight is his delight.” (Proverbs 11:1)
Do not gossip. “A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.” (Proverbs 11:13) “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.” (Proverbs 17:9) “The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.” (Proverbs 18:8)
Show Mercy, Kindness, and Goodness. “Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.” (Proverbs 3:3-4) “Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” (Proverbs 3:27) “The desire of the righteous is only good: but the expectation of the wicked is wrath. There is that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is that withholdeth more than is meet, but it tendeth to poverty. The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.” (Proverbs 11:23-25) “The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.” (Proverbs 11:17) “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17) “He that despiseth his neighbour sinneth: but he that hath mercy on the poor, happy is he.” (Proverbs 14:21) “The desire of a man is his kindness: and a poor man is better than a liar.” (Proverbs 19:22)
Remain faithful. “Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find?” (Proverbs 20:6) “Thine own friend, and thy father’s friend, forsake not; neither go into thy brother’s house in the day of thy calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off.” (Proverbs 27:10) “A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.” (Proverbs 11:13) “A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent.” (Proverbs 28:20)